


Collection of memories

by lunaemoth



Series: December Images Prompts Challenge [6]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Amnesia, Anxiety, Challenge Response, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-23
Updated: 2014-12-23
Packaged: 2018-03-03 01:35:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2833331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunaemoth/pseuds/lunaemoth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Day 23 of fuckyeahdarcylewis.tumblr.com December Challenge, based on this <a href="http://media.tumblr.com/825e1d37c2ae87eb64730f33817f0510/tumblr_inline_nfawriIujf1qbvhdg.jpg">image</a>.</p><p> </p><p>  <i>“I don’t want to remember,” she finally admitted.</i><br/><i>Sam shifted to lean on his elbows. “Ok,” he simply said. “Do you want me to tell the others to stop pushing?”</i><br/><i>“Yes,” she murmured, glad he knew exactly what she needed.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Collection of memories

**Author's Note:**

> Here, have some feels! :D  
> The relationships in this story are friendly/platonic and I didn't know how I was supposed to tag them: & or / ?
> 
>  
> 
>  **NB:** I'm french and this isn't beta-ed. If you notice any mistakes, please send me a comment with the way to correct it and I'd be pleased to do so.  
>  You can find me on tumblr: lunaemoth.tumblr.com

Darcy breathed in the cool air of December, gazing at the scenery around the gazebo and enjoying its peacefulness. Staying in the Tower all the time, trying to remember, was driving her crazy. She pulled on the tip of her gloves, relishing the solitude. She knew that Sam wasn’t far, keeping an eye on her, but she never felt pressured by Sam, it was nice.

Not that Jane wasn’t nice too! She was being as helpful as she could be but she was clearly not used to taking care of someone else – since Darcy was told that their roles were supposed to be reverse – and it showed.

At least, with Sam, she just had to go to him, ask him to go to the park, and he would say “ok, just give me ten minutes and I’ll come with you”. There was no awkwardness with Sam, that’s good.

Most people didn’t know how to deal with the amnesiac girl, the sidekick that had been abducted, tortured, and recovered with no memory of anything else than a dark little cell. Everything she knew, Darcy had been told. For example, she knew that her mother died a few years ago, that her father was an alcoholic incapable of helping her even if he cared enough to try (that’s not how Jane put it but Darcy could read between the lines) and that basically no one else cared… No one else but Jane, Erik and the Avengers, but the Avengers only cared because they felt responsible, since she had been abducted because of them and all that (except for Thor, Thor really was upset for her, you couldn’t doubt the sincerity of his feelings)…

In short, Darcy figured she wasn’t missing much. Well, there was that time when she had tasered Thor apparently… that must have been pretty badass. She would have like to remember that part at least. But the rest… was it wrong to not really want to remember? Everyone around her expected her to try. They assured her it’ll come back… but from what she remembered of that cell and Hydra’s base, from her injuries… she was pretty sure that forgetting her boring life was an acceptable loss to forget the pain she had to endure during those days.

Slowly, she lowered herself to sit on the cold ground. She sniffled and looked at the swans swimming on the pond. A few moments later, she could hear footsteps coming closer.

“Darcy?” Sam asked softly.

If she asked him, he would go away. He was just making sure she was alright. She sniffled again and didn’t say anything. He came closer and leaned against the guardrail a few feet away.

“I don’t want to remember,” she finally admitted a moment later.

He shifted to lean on his elbows. “Ok,” he simply said. “Do you want me to tell the others to stop pushing?”

“Yes,” she murmured, glad he knew exactly what she needed.

“Alright.” And that was that. Just a few words and a weight lifted off her shoulders.

Sam was nice. He had told her they didn’t really know each other before. They met on the Hydra’s base, when Thor carried her out of her cell. She had been terrified, not knowing who they were or what they wanted. Sam had been the first to realize she didn’t understand that she was being rescued. When Thor had left for a moment to smash a few things, heartbroken that she didn’t remember him, Sam had stayed, ignored everyone around them and coached her through a panic attack. When he told her they were the good guys, she believed him. The bad guys wouldn’t have care she couldn’t breathe. They were going to kill her anyway: they were angry she couldn’t remember anything. But the good guys were just… sad.

She thought that if Sam and she had been _something_ , then maybe she would like to remember, but there had been no something with anyone – not that Jane knew of – so, she didn’t care about those memories. She could get some new ones. Some better ones.

She breathed deeply, eyes closed, and exhaled, listening to the wind in the trees.

“I like this place.”

“We can come back anytime,” Sam promised.

Darcy turned around when she heard footsteps. It was Bucky. He smiled softly at her and leaned near Sam. They whispered to each other.

“I’ve to go back Darcy, but Bucky can stay with you as long as you like,” Sam explained, looking for a reaction. Darcy nodded and kept gazing at the swans. They were busy, even a few days before Christmas. Sam touched her shoulders softly before leaving.

After a few minutes of silence, Darcy glanced at her new bodyguard. Bucky had his back to the guardrail, gazing thoughtfully at the gazebo’s ceiling. “I used to dance at these sorts of places,” he noted.

“Is that so?”

“Yeah. The orchestra was set up here and people danced around.”

His metal arm was covered by his coat and gloves but he looked tense anyway. “Do you want to teach me?” He raised an eyebrow at her. She shrugged. “I’m pretty sure I’m not a bad dancer… but what did you used to dance anyway?”

“Swing.” He frowned before shrugging too. “Why not.”

He had to remember first, which was harder without music to guide him, but once he found the good rhythm, his muscles memory did the rest. She grinned as he showed her some acrobatics but quickly tried to get away when he caught her hand.

“Oh, no, no, no. I pledge insanity! I didn’t know what I was stepping in! What the hell, Bucky? Where does _that_ come from?” He was way too good for her.

“I didn’t know I could still do it either, you insisted, so now show me what you’ve got.”

She wasn’t bad. The basic steps were easy and most of the difficulty was to trust Bucky to lead her and react appropriately. His grip was sure, he was patient. Trust came quickly and with it more audacious steps.

When she finally was too tired, she just hanged on to his neck and let him spin her around, her feet flying a few inches above the ground. He gripped her waist lower to stop without hurting her and kissed her forehead.

“You’re good. A bit of training with decent music and you’ll do great in no time,” he assured her with a wink.

“Oh, I’ve music! Sorry, I forgot…” She searched her pockets and showed her iPod. She tended to forget where she put it, since everyone insisted she shouldn’t use it when she was alone in public – she was never alone anyway – and it was rude to do so when she was with someone.

She knew one thing though: she had very good taste in music. She offered an earphone to Bucky and used the other as she started one playlist.

“That one is good. We can dance to that,” Bucky noted as they listened to _Unchain my heart_ by Joe Cocker.

It was awkward, dancing with the earphones on. Bucky had to keep her close but it was much more fun too. They swayed under the gazebo, until _Star Sprangled Man with a Plan_ started to play and Bucky burst into laughter.

“Where does that come from?”

“Don’t ask me. I like all those songs but I don’t understand my own playlists. That one is called ‘how to annoy everyone’. I don’t really get how Joe Cocker can annoy someone, though.”

“This one would definitely annoy Steve. Could you teach me how to make it play when he stepped in a room?”

“I guess you could just ask Jarvis? That’s what I do when I don’t know something. I ask him. He’s great.”

Bucky nodded, apparently resolute to play that prank on his best friend. He stepped away and she felt a little colder but he put an arm around her shoulders and kept her close. They made their way back to the tower like that.

That was definitely a good memory. She should start a collection.

 

*

 

She couldn’t remember what her life was, but she could remember what she had learnt. She took back her place as Jane’s assistant. Jane probably had a little talk with Sam because she didn’t even say “are you sure?” when Darcy asked to get her job back, she just nodded, asked her for coffee and showed her what she could do to help. Just like that.

Even with something to do, Darcy felt empty and restless. In the morning, she often woke up in a sweat and breathless but unable to remember her dreams. In the evening, after work, she preferred to stay alone in her apartment but when she watched TV shows she was left wondering if they were better _before_. Jane assured her she liked that Firefly series before and that she liked reruns too. It was annoying, but sometimes she felt like that crazy girl, River, and she just had to stop.

So she cooked. Cooking was a no danger zone. Nothing triggered her there. Trigger, that’s the word Sam and her therapist used. For them, it was expected, she wasn’t the same Darcy she had been before they said, and it was okay… well Darcy was still unclear on that point because being triggered by one of her ‘favorite’ TV shows… it sucked.

Cooking was the cure to any anxiety… except when cooking led her to having so much food to share she had to leave her apartment. It would have been okay if she could just go to Jane’s door and offered her the berries crumble… and the muffins, the apple pie, the red velvet cake and the brownie (sugar was important, alright?). Thor could have taken care of all that, no problem. He would have smile, thank her and offer her to stay. She would have nestled in his arms while he ate, her legs on Jane’s lap (while she ate some crumble, even she wasn’t hungry, because it was her favorite), and they would have watched something innocuous on Discovery Channel.

Unfortunately, Jarvis had told her that Thor and Jane were in the common living room. She remembered now that Jane offered her to come to a small intimate dinner party. She had said no because… well… anxiety was her friend. She fidgeted in front of Jane’s door, shifting awkwardly, looking forlornly at her tupperwares.

“Can I help you, Miss Lewis?” Jarvis asked gently.

“Do… do they have cakes for their dinner?” She asked shyly, her confidence failing her once again (Jane didn’t like it, Jane always looked at her sadly behind her back when Darcy started to shy away from anything, Darcy wasn’t supposed to be like that).

“I’m afraid the meal isn’t very healthy, mostly salt, grease, and chocolates, with some fruits courtesy of Ms Potts. I’m sure they’d like some cakes. Mr Stark has a special fondness for brownies and Ms Potts loves crumbles and pies of any kind. They’d be thrill if you join them.”

“Oh, alright then, if you think so… No one should miss sugar at a dinner party,” she decided, cheering herself on. She went back to the elevator, thanking Jarvis when he opened the door and selected the floor for her. She walked into the common living room discreetly as laughter and talks went on.

There was a massive Christmas tree next to the bar decorated with… small Captain America’s shields, thunderbolts, bows and arc reactors... the theme was quite obvious and, even if she didn’t remember Stark, from what she heard, he was probably to blame. She liked the red and green lights, and others Christmas decoration, though… maybe she should have decorated her own apartment? Did she celebrate Christmas before? She glanced at her red Christmas sweater… probably.

Natasha and Bucky were the first to notice her. Bucky immediately stood up and came to her. “Would you like some help with that, darling?”

She nodded and thanked him with a soft smile when he took most of the boxes. The conversations had faded as her arrival was noticed and she repressed a blush under everyone’s attention.

“Hi everyone… I was wondering if you wanted some cakes? I made… a lot…”

“Cakes!” Tony immediately straightened up and grabbed the first circular box that Bucky put down on the coffee table. He opened the lid to the apple pie and immediately gave it to Pepper. “Look at that! Homemade apple pie, when is the last time you saw that? I don’t remember.”

While Pepper chastised him, Darcy held the brownie box to him. “Jarvis said you liked that better…” Tony was staring at her so intensely that she fidgeted and added: “You’ve to share though.” He pouted but Pepper took the box out of his hands and cut him a slice before giving the rest to Steve.

Everyone was sharing and thanking her but she wasn’t the center of attention anymore, she relaxed and smiled at Thor when he shifted to offer her a place on the couch next to him. She nestled against his side and smiled back at Jane when she beamed at her, pleased that she came.

How Darcy finished sitting on the floor between Sam and Bucky (close to Steve’s armchair, she could feel him staring at them fondly) was unclear but it most probably involved alcohol. Darcy wasn’t supposed to drink much with her medications but, for her defense, that drink really looked like soda.

“How did you do it?” she muttered to Bucky. “Dealing with the amnesia thing?”

“A lot of time, mostly,” he answered patiently, “a bit of Steve and Sam too, but time.” She hummed and wrinkled her noise. He chuckled. “I know. But I think you’ve the gist of it.”

“How so?” She let her head fall on his shoulder.

“The key is to stay focused on the present. The past doesn’t matter as long as it doesn’t help the present.”

She frowned and thought about it before nodding slightly. “Yeah, I get that.”

He smiled and stroked her hair. “Yes, you do.”

“And when it’s too hard?”

“Personally? I like to hit things.”

She hummed. “I prefer cooking.”

“Well, to each his own”, Sam stated. “I’m pretty sure everyone would be happy to help you take care of the results… it’s much more enjoyable than tidying up the gym.” He bit in a muffin and nodded, approving.

“What’s that supposed to mean, Wilson?”

“It means that if Darcy needs me I’d ditch you.”

“… That’s fair. Ladies first.” Bucky agreed seriously. He winked at her.

She poked at him. He poked back. She tickled him. He tickled back.

She couldn’t remember the last time she laughed… it felt good.

 

*

 

Darcy never got back her memories.

After an MRI, the doctors said that, as suspected, she had suffered brain damage after a head trauma during her captivity (she had a bump on her head when she had been freed, or so they said, Darcy had been so bruised she couldn’t recall the details). They also talked about changes in her behavior that could be due to multiple factors.

Darcy shrugged. She was Darcy, she didn’t remember another one. Jane had accepted her just how she was and the Avengers were her friends. The past didn’t matter.

She bounced to get back to Sam and Bucky (she always had an escort when she left the tower, she was supposed to resent it but she didn’t, she remembered the cell and the pain). They straightened up.

“Is everything fine?”

“Yep!” She stopped for a second and tilted her head. “Well, no, apparently I’m damaged.”

Bucky snorted and offered her his metal fingers. “Well, you’re fitting in.”

She took his hand and put her arm around Sam’s. “I know, right? I didn’t like that MRI though. I’m going to cook.”

“Should we invite the entire tower for dinner?” Sam teased her.

She shrugged. “Might as well. I was thinking pecan pie and gingerbread, but I also saw that French recipe on the Internet called yule log, I want to try one with chocolate…”

“You know me, if there’s chocolate, I’m in,” Bucky said.

“Feeling in a festive mood, Darcy? Christmas was too weeks ago.”

She bounced up and down. “Jane got me those funny baking tins, I want to try them!”

“Don’t worry Wilson, I’ll drag you to the gym afterward.”

“Oh, joy…"


End file.
